Surviving the Holidays

Tis the season for twinkling lights,  cheer, tacky sweaters, anxiety, unmet expectations, and that one relative who keeps asking you when you’re having kids, getting married, or if you bought those jeans with the holes already in them. While this season is supposed to be full of joy and cheer, this time of year can bring up a lot of complicated emotions for a lot of people. However you decide to celebrate or not celebrate this season, I wanted to offer a few ideas for navigating the holidays with self-compassion, recognizing that your well-being is the ultimate priority.

Honoring Your Feelings

Name it to tame it. It's essential to acknowledge your emotions, especially during the holidays. While I’d also add embracing those emotions is essential too, that can be really hard depending. So start with acknowledging your experience without judgment. When you feel the wave of anxiety or dread washing over you…pause…breathe…place one had on your heart and one on your chest and softly repeat to yourself “I see you”. Acknowledge that emotion as a part of you not all of you. Whether you're feeling joy, sadness, lonely, melancholy or D all the above, allow yourself the space to feel without judgment. All your feelings are valid and a natural part of the human experience.

Name Your Expectations

The holiday comes with a lot of pressure. I love what Brené Brown writes in Atlas of the Heart on expectations and disappointment. "Disappointment is the unmet expectations the more significant, the expectation, the more significant disappointment," she goes on to say that unconscious, unexamined, and unexpressed expectations turn to disappointment. And sometimes when that disappointment feels overwhelming, it brings shame, hurt, and anger with it. 

She gives the hilarious story of going to Disney World with her family and packing 5 books with her and a week-long vacation. Her husband gently asked her what she was expecting out of the trip and he reminded her that there likely wouldn’t be any downtime for reading by the pool. 

There is so much pressure from the holidays to have the perfect family photo, the perfect meal, the perfect tree, and the most extravagant lights on the block. Not to mention trying to find the perfect gift for the loved ones in your life and when our holidays don’t look like the Hallmark movies, boom, disappointment. This season I encourage you to communicate your expectations with your loved ones (not just a great practice for the holidays). Communicating our expectations is brave and vulnerable and allows us to build meaningful connections. And when someone shares their expectations with us, they are sharing their hopes and dreams. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on creating moments that align with your values and bring you genuine happiness. Embrace simplicity and let go of the pressure to conform to those cringe hallmark movies.

Creating Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be really challenging. If setting boundaries is something you struggle with, I encourage you to see this season as an opportunity to practice them. Setting boundaries and keeping them is an act of self-care. Let your loved ones know what your limitations and needs are, and how they can support you. Remember it is okay to say no to certain commitments if they feel overwhelming. Maybe there is a specific subject you do not want to discuss this holiday. 

Try saying something like, “Hey Great Aunt Roberta, talking about _______, gives me a lot of stress and the best way for you to support me is for us to not talk about it today. Thank you for understanding”. As if stating our boundaries isn’t hard enough sometimes, it’s even harder to keep them when people don’t listen to them. Be firm and loving, and know that “no” is a complete sentence. Setting boundaries is hard but can be incredibly empowering.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield said “if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete”. Extend the same kindness and understanding to yourself that you would offer to a dear friend. Acknowledge that you are doing your best with the situation and circumstances you are in. Emotions may feel heightened, especially during the holidays, so treat yourself with gentleness. Self-compassion is an essential component of resilience, allowing you to wholeheartedly navigate the challenges and struggles that can come with the holiday season.

Stay Present

As you plan your holiday travel, schedule time for you to create a pocket of mindfulness. Whether it's a few minutes of deep breathing, a short walk, or savoring a cup of tea, these little moments can help you center your nervous system. Mindfulness helps ground you in the present. Staying in the present will help you manage your holiday expectations and you might notice little things you might have otherwise missed.

Intentional Connection

Speaking of expectations, the holidays come with all kinds of pressure to spend time with loved ones, to snuggle up to someone special by the fireplace. Leaving so many people feeling lonelier than ever, maybe you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, or a breakup, maybe you have estranged family and the holidays bring up all kinds of complicated emotions. If the holiday season brings a sense of loneliness, seek connection in small and meaningful ways. Meaningful connections don’t have to be incredibly complex or for a long time, they just need to be intentional. Reach out to a friend, volunteer in your community, or join a virtual holiday gathering on MeetUp or Eventbrite. We are social beings, and being in community can foster a sense of belonging and support. (The YWCA is offering a Holiday Support Group starting December 13th.)

The intention of this blog is to encourage you to approach the holidays with gentleness and self-compassion. And recognize the B.S. pressure and expectations to have the “perfect holiday”. Your well-being is vital, and it's okay to navigate the season at your own pace. In fact, I encourage it and communicate that pace to those around you. Remember that we all have our own individual holiday experiences at the same time, and each of them is important. Embrace the sometimes-messy chaos of the holidays. Honor your experience, caring for yourself can lead to a more meaningful and fulfilling experience. Wishing you a season filled with moments of peace, connection, and genuine joy.

Be Well, 

KB

P.S. If the holidays exaggerate feelings of distress for you, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. SAMHSA Find Support, Psychology Today