Being a Better Listener

Being a good listener is an essential component of any relationship. And if you are anything like me (a wildly extroverted storyteller), being an active listener is something I have had to practice! What is active listening? Simply put the difference between hearing and listening is empathy. 

“Empathy is not about relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience”
- Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown 

According to MasterClass, Active Listening is giving your full attention to the person who is speaking, expressing your interest, and engaging in meaningful conversation. You know that moment when you get “swept away” in a story? Well, fun fact… in successful “communication, speakers’ and listeners’ brains exhibit joint, temporally coupled, response patterns” (1). What does that mean, you ask? In short, the listeners’ brainwaves will mirror the speaker’s brainwaves, if you’re interested in learning more, check out this episode from NPR’s Shortwave on how stories and narratives connect us. So how does one become a better listener? Well, I did the research for you and found four helpful things to become a better listener!

Number 1 - Put Your Phone Away

This may not be entirely attainable for some of you. You could have a crazy demanding job or children that need to be picked up from soccer practice. However, you can keep your phone face down on the table or in your bag, when you're grabbing coffee with a friend, or at dinner with your family. What I have found most helpful is to create “Focus Time” in the settings on my iPhone. When I have dinner with friends or family, I can turn this feature on and only receive texts and phone calls from specific people and snooze all other notifications (this has also drastically improved my productivity for work)! This one can be really hard, but let’s be real, we all need a little less screen time. 

Number 2 - Be Curious, Ask Questions!

In the words of my favorite Coach, Ted Lasso, “be curious, not judgmental”. Be curious about the person telling you their story as well as their experience. Don’t wait to talk just to share your own personal anecdote. Ask clarifying questions to understand more about their story, their experience, or the person. Ask probing questions to show you are engaged. Of course, be respectful, people also don’t want to be interrogated. I’ll give you a personal tip for when a friend is in a pickle or struggling with something…. Ask “what does support look like”, “are you wanting a solution” or “are you open to feedback”? But don’t get hung up on trying to say the right thing or ask the right question, you can simply ask how you can best support them!

Number 3 - Silence is Golden 

I am in my final year of grad school to receive a master's in counseling; one of my professors challenged us to get comfortable with silence by not turning on the radio when we get in the car. Nonverbal cues, like a head nod, tell our people that we are listening and that we want them to tell us more. I know, sitting in silence can be super uncomfortable. But when we have a friend grieving over the loss of a loved one or going through a breakup, sometimes sitting in silence is what they need to feel supported. 

I love Brené Brown’s example of rushing in to turn the lights on. When we have a friend or loved one who is heartbroken, we want to run in, cheer them up, and bring in the light to chase away the dark. But a lot of times, people just want someone to sit with, hold space for tears, and have a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. 

Number 4 - Be Yourself! 

Be yourself, be authentic, be genuine, be you! As long as you show up with the desire to connect and be yourself, the people in your life will pick up on that! 

I hope you've found a few of these tips helpful. I’m sure there are people in your life that make you feel heard and listened to. What is it that they do that makes you feel that way? Author Laurie Buchanan said, ”when we listen, we hear people into existence”. All any of us want is to feel felt and to have people bear witness to our stories. Be patient with yourself! People don't become excellent listeners overnight, it takes practice and intentionality! But listening is how we build connection and intimacy with the people in our lives.

Be Well, Stay Hydrated,

KB

MasterClass. (2022, October). How to Be a Better Listener in 7 Steps. Retrieved from MasterClass: https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-be-a-better-listener

Renken, E. (2020, April). How Stories Connect And Persuade Us: Unleashing The Brain Power Of Narrative. Retrieved from NPR: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/04/11/815573198/how-stories-connect-and-persuade-us-unleashing-the-brain-power-of-narrative

Stephens, G., Silbert, L., & Hasson, U. (2010, July). Speaker–listener neural coupling underlies successful communication. Retrieved from PNAS: https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1008662107#sec-2