Attachment Styles 101

What are attachment styles? Attachment styles refer to patterns of behavior and emotional responses that people develop in their relationships with others. These behaviors can have a significant impact on our emotional well-being, sense of belonging, and the quality of our relationships, platonic, familial, or romantic. Having a basic understanding of attachment styles can help us recognize patterns and work towards cultivating healthier relationships!

Secure Attachment Style

People with a secure attachment style tend to have positive self-esteem, trust their partners, and are comfortable with intimacy. They can balance independence and interdependence in their relationships and are fairly resilient when challenges arise in relationships. Secure people are often characterized as being able to communicate their feelings effectively, compromise and collaborate, and create and maintain healthy relationships. Secure Attachment sounds like…

· “I am capable & competent”

· “I am worthy of love”

· “I recognize the good in others”

· “My happiness matters”

· “I can usually express my needs” 

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

With this attachment style people crave intimacy but can have a lower self-esteem and worry about being rejected or abandoned. They may appear overly needy, clingy, and dependent in their relationships, which can push others away. Anxious people may be hypervigilant, mistrusting, and become overly focused on the needs of others, neglecting their own needs. This attachment style can result in repeated short-term relationships or intense on-and-off relationships. Anxious Preoccupied sounds like…

· “I feel better with reassurance”

· “I want love but fear rejection”

· “I am reactive and defensive when expressing my needs”

· “My desire to be accepted makes me neglect my own needs”

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style are emotionally distant and avoid close relationships. They often value independence and self-sufficiency and can view intimacy or vulnerability as a weakness. People with a dismissive attachment style may view others as needy and demanding, while seeing themselves as self-reliant or aloof. This can create challenges when trying to establish and maintain relationships, as dismissive individuals can appear to others indifferent, detached, and lacking empathy. Dismissive Avoidant sounds like…

· “I am capable but others are not”

· “Others will let me down”

· “I am better off alone”

· “I do not talk about my needs because others do not care”

· “I do not need anyone”

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

In a fearful-avoidant attachment style people desire intimacy and also fear it. They have low self-esteem and worry about being rejected or abandoned. They push and pull the people in their life, creating inconsistency and confusion. Fearful individuals may have difficulty trust, vulnerability and intimacy, resulting in isolation, loneliness, and disconnection. Fearful Avoidant sounds like…

· “I am not worthy of love”

· “When they find out who I am, they will leave me”

· “The world is not safe”

· “I do not know who to trust”

· “I want to be loved but I sabotage it to protect myself”

Attachment Styles in Our Relationships

Our attachment styles have a significant impact in all our relationships. I cannot emphasize this next statement enough:

Attachment styles are not set in stone. Our attachment styles are not scapegoats for unhealthy behaviors. They are habits that can be changed! We can also show up with different attachment styles within different relationships.

For example, I have very secure attachments with the girl friends I have grown up with but tend to have anxious-preoccupied attachment habits at the beginning of my romantic relationships. 

So how do we cultivate healthy Attachment behavior?

I believe psychoeducation is very helpful. Having a basic understanding of attachment styles can be a first step in cultivating healthier and more secure relationships. 

Practicing good communication skills, learning to be vulnerable, and building trust are all essential components of cultivating healthy relationships. Developing a secure attachment style takes time. Especially if we are undoing attachment wounds from our childhood. So be patient and compassionate with yourself. The payoff of deeper connections and a sense of belonging is totally worth it.

Be Well, Stay Hydrated, 

KB

Levine, Amir. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love. Tarcherperigee, 2012. 

Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate. New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2016.