Internal Family Systems & My Therapeutic Journey

I want to cover a therapeutic technique that has transformed my healing journey and how I see the world. Let me start by saying that everyone's therapeutic journey is different. Everyone’s experiences are different, so what may work for you, might not work for me, and what works for me might not work for you. But I want to share a piece of my story and my experience working with Internal Family Systems.

Internal Family Systems

Created by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS looks at people as a clove of garlic, instead of layers of an onion (1). In the onion analogy, you peel one layer off at a time until you reach the center, then boom, you're healed! However, IFS looks at the person as a clove of garlic, you have all these Parts that are related to and influence one another. The goal of IFS is to live a more Self Led life and unburden our Parts that carry negative beliefs about ourselves. Having Self Leadership means showing up with the 8 C’s; compassion, connectedness, courage, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, and confidence (1). 

Internal Family Systems is a positive, strengths-based approach to counseling. Meaning this style focuses on the strengths of the client, believing in the inherent goodness of all humanity, “at its core, IFS is a loving way of relating internally and externally” (1). For me, it has been a highly empathic and relationally driven approach to counseling.

When we shame and manhandle our unruly Parts, they only go to the basement to lift weights. Instead of shaming ourselves, IFS teaches us to get curious and use our triggers as trailheads to look inward, we befriend (2) by extending compassion and curiosity (1). 

The Parts. 

There are different types of Parts, they often show up as, Exiles, Protectors, Managers, and Firefighters. Exiles are our most sensitive Parts (1). Exiles develop after we have been hurt, scared, betrayed, or shamed; they become frozen in time (which coincides with how trauma is stored in the brain [2]). These Parts carry “Burdens”, which are extreme beliefs, and emotions (1). Very often, Burdens feel like shame. These are the negative stories we carry about ourselves.

There are two types of Protectors; Managers and Firefighters. These Manager Parts are hypervigilant and carry the responsibility to ensure our Exiles do not get triggered. They can be controlling, people-pleasing, and even disassociate. Lastly are Firefighters, these are the Parts that activate when an Exile becomes triggered (1). They become desperate or impulsive to distract us from intense emotions (1). 

The Goal. 

The goal of IFS is to liberate our Parts that have been forced into roles they were never meant to play (1). When we liberate our Parts, our true Self emerges. To live in tune with your highest self is to discover positive qualities like playfulness, perspective, forgiveness, equanimity, and joy (1). 

It is being curious and seeking clarity when we become triggered and why. Responding calmly and with compassion towards oneself after we are no longer triggered. It is being confident in who you are innately, good, worthy of love and belonging. (And if there is a voice that doesn't believe or is angry reading that, that is a Part). 

Let me put this into some context…

(Preface, I am about to summarize what was done in months and years of IFS work).

I have an Exile Part that carries the belief (or Burden) that “I must be tough and strong so no one will hurt me”. This Manager Part is hypervigilant or tries to control my surroundings, to make sure no one around me is being taken advantage of. These hypervigilant Protectors carry the Burden that believes “if I don't stand up for others, no one will" or “I must keep people at arms distance”. This is an exhausting responsibility. When these Exile Parts become triggered, "the last time I felt this way I got hurt, I'm vulnerable and at risk of being hurt again," the Firefighter activates. The Firefighter comes online when the Manager perceives that I cannot control my surroundings or protect people. I end up steamrolling and turning into the very thing that I can’t stand, a bully. (Side note - I am an Eight on the Enneagram [another blog for another time]. If you are familiar with the enneagram you're going “Ohhhhh, yeah that makes sense”. The Eight on the Enneagram is known as the Warrior or Challenger. IFS and the Enneagram go hand in hand *chefs kiss* beautifully). 

My Healing…

Internal Family Systems allow me to have space, and heal Exiles that have been Burdened by the wounds they've carried for years. I learned that this Exile is a scared and embarrassed middle school girl being bullied and laughed at in the cafeteria, she is also seventeen and stuck in an abusive relationship. She feels and believes that she is helpless. 

My Protector Parts have learned (and are learning) to trust my highest Self and know that when I show up with Self Leadership, I am capable of protecting myself without hypervigilance,  disassociating, or lashing out. My Protectors have taken on new roles of advocacy and allyship, and creating a space for other people to stand up for themselves. 

I know it’s kinda hard to understand, but I haven’t found this type of healing in any other kind of therapy. For me, to say it is liberating is an understatement.

If you are interested in learning more…

I recommend “No Bad Parts, Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model” by Dr. Richard Schwartz. Follow this link to receive the first chapter for free and a free ten-minute guided meditation. I also recommend Jonathan Van Ness' interview with Dr. Schwartz on  "Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness" (you see one of the eight C's in that title?)

1. Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family System Model. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True.

2. Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body In The Healing Of Trauma. New York, New York: Penguin Books.